Marilyn Monroe as Clara Bow.
An emotional account, but here goes:
The year 2014 was a year where I had to show my strength, willpower and determination and I felt I was being put to test very often. There has been a lot going on in 2014 I have not talked about on my blog or elsewhere online. I have been shying away from the internet more than ever before and I received a lot of messages on Facebook where the hell I was. My blog barely suffered from my online absence, because my blog is just the thing that I wanted to expand, but more about that later.
However, I was done with the life I led online. It was time to explore the world outside and mend my social circle. That wasn't always easy; I have cut strings with people I felt were not good for me and I stepped into wonderful new friendships with people all over the world (and many whom I am going to meet in 2015 *woohoo*). But it's always hard to say goodbye to people you once loved so very much, but I wanted the year 2014 to revolve around my self healing and self discovery, and some people kept pulling me down. I wanted to search for a better me, a healthier me and a more conscious me. I wanted to view the world as a beautiful place instead of it being Sodom and Gomorrah. I didn't succeed in that all the time, but one keeps trying.
I decided to see the good side in things, and people, more than I did the years before. I decided to forgive people who have hurt me with their silly actions, solely to heal myself. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting what they did to you, but it means removing that anger inside of yourself that leaves nothing but a festering wound - and all that it does is destroying you inside. I have learned something from those people and things, even though it wasn't a pleasant experience.
The year 2014 was also the year where I moved house together with my beloved partner Ben and cat Figaro. And what a great choice it was. Our former home brought us nothing but tears, sweat, anxiety and problems. Let's say that we moved out just before things would explode and would bring us into severe problems. The home we live in at the moment has brought us so much joy and peace and we have such great neighbours who share our view of the world and life. The experience in our former home made Ben and me grew even closer and our love stronger. We have survived hardships, and no, that wasn't easy because our stressful former home made us become two very stressful people, and there were times that I almost threw my antique china to his head out of frustration. But our love is so deep and so passionate that I know it can survive anything.
The year 2014 is also the year where I opened up more about my trauma in therapy (a trauma that gave me PTSS); and we made it a priority to work on, and work on it I did - very hard. This might have been the hardest I had to endure this year, but it's a step necessary, since I am still being haunted by this ordeal, which happened 6 years ago, in my early 20s, and it still effects my daily life and it grew only worse this year. I want to view myself as a survivor ... and not as a victim anymore. With the therapist I am seeing already for 4 years (he truly is my beacon when all I can see is darkness), I will start to work on this and it's going to be a painful road, but I do it for a particular reason in the end, and that keeps me going: when I am healed myself, I want to help other victims of a particular trauma overcome their trauma, and help them mend themselves. I want to make something good out of my traumatic experience and I can do so by helping others. However, I can only do this when I am healed myself, and so that's my biggest goal for 2015.
Other goals will be: picking up things I have put on the back burner. I want to start modelling again, and I have also been asked to join a reenactment group; an invitation I immediately took. In this group I will have the task to make sure the women dress correctly according to WWII fashion. There have also been great events planned for this reenactment group already and I am very much looking forward to participate. In 2014, I also made the decision of becoming a professional blogger and I have set baby steps towards that direction. This blog will see major changes in 2015, but it will always evolve around things vintage and other things that has got something to do with my favorite era's: the 1930s and 1940s. I also want to weave personal posts back into it again, which I have been toning down in 2014 for reasons mentioned above.
I have learned so much about myself in 2014; I gained wisdom I hope to bring with me to 2015. I have a long and painful road to go but to quote one of my favorite quotes: "the greater the struggle, the more glorious the triumph." I have the feeling that 2015 will be a great year, full of new opportunities and travels around the world. It will be a year for a better, healthier and happier me.
I look forward to a new, fresh year!
Happy new year to all of you! *raises Champagne glass*