A happy new year to you dear reader!

December 30, 2013

The year 2013, again, was not my year of luck. But it was a year where I learned alot about myself, tried to keep walking on the right track, and fight against a mental illness or two that put my world upside down. I did this with the help of people, who kept walking firmly beside me on a road so bumpy, never to leave my side. My beloved partner, family, friends and mostly my therapist were all a shoulder where I could cling on to in rough times.

I gained some weight, my face showed you I was exhausted of battling, my eyes were surrounded by dark circles which revealed something about my struggle against insomnia. I felt I was living in a vortex. The year 2013 was the year where I put halt to my medication and where I abandoned alcohol out of my life ... for good. Promising myself to never ever drink a drip of liquor again. Scary, cause quitting with medication and alcohol meant that emotions, hidden far away where I could not feel them, all came back. Medication transformed me into a zombie. Alcohol became a dangerous consolation for me and I took medications the way I wanted to and not how the psychiatrist prescribed them. I became addicted to Benzodiazepines. I put public appearances and modelling jobs on the back burner, I turned down interviews and television ... all because I knew I could not give my everything. I lost the passion and I was convinced it would show. I became a bit of a recluse and left the house only for my therapy sessions and groceries.

All these negative things made an unbearable perfectionist of me; I tried to live up to an image of 'all is good and kind'; the image of who I was before I fell into a depression and this required the impossible of body and mind. With baby steps I am learning now on how to take things easy. To not worry about things that don't need a worry (yet).

And although this was not my lucky year, it was a year of recovery and renewal. It was time to work on myself - something that I neglected too much for far too long. I started to get out of the house more often, socialize, start a healthy diet, cut out the negative people in my life and surround myself with people that are worth my friendship and trust. I felt myself grow, more and more. In the right direction.

This was also the year where I left my place of birth to start all over again in another place and a new house in the Netherlands. It was the right step for me. I was stagnating in Apeldoorn and it held too many bad memories and people I do not wish to encounter. Only for therapy and family visits do I go back there. My new residence is a place that fits well to my needs; it's beautiful, the people are friendly and I just needed this new start. Somewhere else. Here I could work on a whole new foundation where I can grow and hopefully learn much more about myself.

I want to thank everyone who stood by me and kept supporting me throughout the year. I want to thank Ben, my family, friends, my therapist and also my dear readers that comforted me when I wrote a post that was quite revealing about who I am and which made me vulnerable to share. Thank you that you are still reading my posts, even though (and I darn well realise this) the quality and quantity deteriorated rapidly.

I don't have New years resolutions besides keep fighting on and going like I do now! Cause I am going like a train and I am not planning to get derailed! I feel healthier, vividly and more alive. I have experienced wonderful things aswell in 2013! Cause whatever happened in the past ... I still see and believe in beauty, goodness and kindness, creativity, dreams, sunshine, warmth, friendship, unicorns, laughter and love. I am strong, I am a fighter and I am going to make 2014 mý year! I will shine and so will this blog!


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  1. Happy New Year! You are very brave for sharing your hardships with everyone, and I think it just makes you stronger. Keep fighting and make 2014 yours!

  2. Gelukkig nieuw jaar! Ik wens je veel succes met het voortzetten van je levensveranderingen in het nieuwe jaar. 2014 wordt vast een mooi jaar voor je :)

  3. Happy New Year Lindsay wish you a wonderful 2014!

  4. These years - times when one makes great changes, sees powerful forces come to and end or conversely, start up, and which are heavy as the day is long - shape and better us. They can be harsh to the point of feeling hellish in the moment, yet when we look back on them (at least I find), they stand out and are ultimately some our best because we (hopefully) come to love ourselves and our lives more because of them.

    I'm so proud of you for speaking with such candidness and raw honesty. You're incredible, inspiring, gorgeous, wise, creative, amazing lady and I feel blessed to have you as an online friend.

    Here's to the hope of an awesome 2014 for both of us!
    ♥ Jessica

  5. Happy New Year to you too! I am an avid reader of your blog. Your sharing of personal things is I think it adds depth and dimension to your character. You go girl!

  6. Happy New Year to you, too! I am an avid reader of your blog. As a reader, I find that the personal things that you share add depth and dimension to your character. You go girl!

  7. Happy New Year dear Lindsay! This was a wonderful post full of strength and hope for this new year ahead. Like a seed that must die first before becoming a totally new and wonderful plant stretching to the shy, sometimes we also need to dye to be given a chance to reborn a better and shinning person (is the dying process that is so hard). But you are strong and I believe in you! I know you will shine! :-)

    I want to thank you too for give me such wonderful moments reading your blog.

    Have a wonderful 2014!

    Miss Beta


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