A happy new year to you dear reader!December 30, 2013
The year 2013, again, was not my year of luck. But it was a year where I learned alot about myself, tried to keep walking on the right track, and fight against a mental illness or two that put my world upside down. I did this with the help of people, who kept walking firmly beside me on a road so bumpy, never to leave my side. My beloved partner, family, friends and mostly my therapist were all a shoulder where I could cling on to in rough times.
I gained some weight, my face showed you I was exhausted of battling, my eyes were surrounded by dark circles which revealed something about my struggle against insomnia. I felt I was living in a vortex. The year 2013 was the year where I put halt to my medication and where I abandoned alcohol out of my life ... for good. Promising myself to never ever drink a drip of liquor again. Scary, cause quitting with medication and alcohol meant that emotions, hidden far away where I could not feel them, all came back. Medication transformed me into a zombie. Alcohol became a dangerous consolation for me and I took medications the way I wanted to and not how the psychiatrist prescribed them. I became addicted to Benzodiazepines. I put public appearances and modelling jobs on the back burner, I turned down interviews and television ... all because I knew I could not give my everything. I lost the passion and I was convinced it would show. I became a bit of a recluse and left the house only for my therapy sessions and groceries.
All these negative things made an unbearable perfectionist of me; I tried to live up to an image of 'all is good and kind'; the image of who I was before I fell into a depression and this required the impossible of body and mind. With baby steps I am learning now on how to take things easy. To not worry about things that don't need a worry (yet).
And although this was not my lucky year, it was a year of recovery and renewal. It was time to work on myself - something that I neglected too much for far too long. I started to get out of the house more often, socialize, start a healthy diet, cut out the negative people in my life and surround myself with people that are worth my friendship and trust. I felt myself grow, more and more. In the right direction.
This was also the year where I left my place of birth to start all over again in another place and a new house in the Netherlands. It was the right step for me. I was stagnating in Apeldoorn and it held too many bad memories and people I do not wish to encounter. Only for therapy and family visits do I go back there. My new residence is a place that fits well to my needs; it's beautiful, the people are friendly and I just needed this new start. Somewhere else. Here I could work on a whole new foundation where I can grow and hopefully learn much more about myself.
I want to thank everyone who stood by me and kept supporting me throughout the year. I want to thank Ben, my family, friends, my therapist and also my dear readers that comforted me when I wrote a post that was quite revealing about who I am and which made me vulnerable to share. Thank you that you are still reading my posts, even though (and I darn well realise this) the quality and quantity deteriorated rapidly.
I don't have New years resolutions besides keep fighting on and going like I do now! Cause I am going like a train and I am not planning to get derailed! I feel healthier, vividly and more alive. I have experienced wonderful things aswell in 2013! Cause whatever happened in the past ... I still see and believe in beauty, goodness and kindness, creativity, dreams, sunshine, warmth, friendship,