A lovely stroll and a confession that I have to make

October 06, 2013

It was a sunny day and therefore Ben and I decided to go out and have a stroll through some allotments near our house and get us some Vitamin D. I took my camera with me, which was not a bad idea as there were still so many flowers in bloom that were too stunning not to take a photograph of.

But like the post title says; I am going to be frank with you and this is really difficult for me, so be kind please! As some of you might already know, I don't feel very well in my own skin lately and I have mentioned that (and my depression) before on my blog here. That's one of the reasons why there are so few outfit photos recently. I have gained alittle bit of weight (just a little bit) in the time that I got in a downward spiral not too long ago. Modelling was (and actually still is) on the back burner. I turned down interviews and television appearances and barely saw my friends. Recently I got a medical examination ( to see what damage my medication caused to my body and mind) which concluded that I was fit but that my blood pressure was extremely high (I had to go to the GP immediately) and I gained 5 kilos of overweight. I am under surveillance for my blood pressure and he gave me some tips; mainly to get out of the house and work on my excersise just by strolling or bicycling. Going apeshit in the gym wasn't necessary, he said, and I phewed. I hate the gym. Always hated the gym. And I will always hate the gym.

Anyway; my eating habits are healthy enough but after I started with medication in 2010, I went from underweight to a healthy weight but kept gaining weight (which is what benzodiazepines do, sadly ... they are Lucifer in a pill really) and my alcohol consume was just too much; I have a hard time getting out of the circle but I keep fighting. Cause that's what I am; a fighter. Since a couple of weeks now I have quit the medication I was addicted to for too long. I do feel healthier without them; I started to experience emotions again, my brain was not so forgetful anymore, my sight improved, my taste came back, the nausea went over, the dizzy and tired zombie feeling went away, too, my hands weren't trembling anymore due to tremori and I got my humor back. But(!) the things I was taking them for are coming back, too. I need to find my right way to deal with them. But I am sure I can add that to my list of victories soon enough aswell. It was a hard time for me to detox but I made it.

I suffer from a couple of things I am not gonna bother you with but it got me down hard ... even that bad that I barely got out of the house. It was even thát bad that I just didn't dressed up, or did my hair, my makeup or whatsoever unless I had an appointment with my therapist and nééded to get out of the house.

I am working superduper hard to get back on track and hopefully fill this blog with new outfits very soon. There's one picture of me in the row of photos below! It's a spontaneous photo Ben took of me (I used to hate such photos, terribly) after I photographed a whole day long. I think it shows you something about how much relaxation photography gives me and that encourages me and hopefully it's a (healthy) replacement for the bad pills and booze mentioned above and that it's also something that serves as a threat and which takes me out of the house more often and hopefully lose the 5 kilos within no time. It shouldn't be that difficult really.

So there. There is my confession. And it takes some courage ofcourse, so please bear with me!

xx














 






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17 Comments

  1. First of all, you look lovely. The photos are superb! Secondly, never apologize for frankness, transparency, and vulnerability! Thank you for sharing a bit of your struggles and for your bravery in the face of adversity.

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    1. Thank you so much dear Juliana.

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  2. Honestly I look at your photo and I think you are gorgeous!As I told you , to me you are an icon , I always read your blog and always tought you are such an inspiration,but , first of all , you are a fighter! I love vintage,love history,I'm very interesting in wartime period and always,from childhood , I knew I was hanging between past and present ...even when people outside look at me , at my cloche hat or my dresses as if I were an alien . This blog is like a home for me , full of informations , suggests , great captures , a magical bridge between past and present and you have created this lovely universe,thanks!Don't be sad , try to be positive and patient and you'll come back soon to shine like the beautiful star you are!Sorry my bad english!

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    1. Wow, wow, thanks so much for your comment! It really touched me! I am deeply flattered! I, too, as a child was hanging between past and present. It's so good to hear I am not alone with that. Sigh, if there ever was a time machine!

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  3. I think you look absolutely LOVELY. Quite stunning!
    I have been sick for awhile now, too - in fact, I haven't done my hair or makeup in two weeks. I am going to try to go work tomorrow for a few hours and see how I get along.
    I admire you for getting off the medications that are making you feel so awful. I am on a lot of meds, too, and sometimes I wonder if the side effects are worth it.
    You are a strong individual - I can read that in your post. I wish you much luck. Keep on taking one day at a time and one step at a time!

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    1. Thank you very much wonderful lady!

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  4. It is so very brave of you to come out in regards to something that is difficult for you. Believe me, I understand how hard such things can be. Stay strong, you are a fighter indeed Miss Lindsay Lane! xx

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    1. Thanks so much for your comment, Lucy! You are such a sweet and wonderful woman! Thanks for your time to stop by and drop me some encouraging words! xx

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  5. Linday Lane,
    You are one heck of a brave girl.
    You are!
    It takes a LOT of strength to sit up in your chair; it takes a LOT of power to force the fingers to type the thing you have just shared here. And the fact that you trust us enough to tell us all this - my heart goes out to you.
    FIGHT ON!
    Some days can be quite hard on you. Benzodiazepines.. I know them well. I was a part of that world; not as a patient, but as a supporter of one - long time ago.. in our high-school. I saw that me being around her helped her quite much.. much more than leaving her to fight alone.
    Having a trusty friend, someone to comfort and someone who cares helps.
    Having someone to talk to helps. If you need to speak out - do that. We will be here "listening" from the other side of the screen, dear.

    Just... FIGHT on.
    (I hope this was not unappropriated, darling)
    Marija

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    1. Your comment left me speechless Marija! That doesn't happen to me often. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. The world wide web is a big and scary place especially to share the things I indeed shared. Reading comments such as yours make me stronger! And let me believe that the world doesn't excist of mean people only!

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    2. And it was definitely not unappropriate!

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  6. These pictures are wonderful, and maybe you should be less frigthend with spontaneous photographs. You look beautiful and very natural, as if someone just gave you a pleasant surprise – and exactly such a moment is hard to create by conscious arrangement. I wish for you that you find a way forward without the heavy medication. Stay brave....!

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    1. Thank you ever so for your encouraging words Jannie!

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  7. Hallo Lindsay,

    Hier een hart onder de riem vanuit buurland België. Ik volg je blog al jaren en ik vind je heel erg dapper. Je problemen met iedereen delen online vergt moed. Dus petje af voor jou en ik wens je veel moed en wilskracht.
    Groetjes,
    Inez

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    1. Hoi lieve Ien, dankjewel voor je lieve bericht! Het vergt inderdaad wat moed. Natuurlijk omdat men nogal gauw een stigma opplakt. Daar wil ik eigenlijk ook wel een beetje tegen strijden!

      xx

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  8. Sweetheart, thank you deeply for sharing such an intimate picture of some of what has been transpiring in your private life lately. I know firsthand how incredibly frustrating and challenging it can be to deal with weight loss that is brought on by certain medications and/or medical problems, you have my firsthand understanding there through and through. It took me a long time to realize this personally, but one's worth (and beauty) is not defined by our weight. It's important unto itself, but it's just one piece in the much larger puzzle of who we are and how we look. You are stunning inside and out at any size, because of the smart, creative, history loving, inspiring person that you are and that radiates through all of your work.

    ♥ Jessica

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    1. Thank you so much for your beautiful words, Jessica! I never really have had to deal with my weight or have to think about it, even. I have always been timide and on the skinny side in the past; so I have no clue on how to lose this weight and therefore I am struggling a bit. But I am gonna do my utter best and I am sure I will overcome this. I have fought tougher battles. But I want to lose it in the second place for my career, but in the first place for myself as this weight does not feel like me. It isn't 'me', coming to think of it, as it's overweight. But I don't want to be underweight again. So I am striving for just a healthy weight.

      I do, however, agree wholeheartedly with you that beauty is not defined by weight and I have always shared that opinion. A human-being is beautiful due to personality but also when someone is feeling him/herself well in their own skin. That radiates through everything; through every '''imperfect''' thing they might have. It seems odd but I prefer 'imperfectness' on others. Perfection bores me. But if it's about myself; I am way too critical and always striving for perfection. That's a battle no one will ever win. Oh well ...

      Thanks again, so much, for your kind words. They certainly have moved me! xxx

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