A lovely stroll and a confession that I have to makeOctober 06, 2013
It was a sunny day and therefore Ben and I decided to go out and have a stroll through some allotments near our house and get us some Vitamin D. I took my camera with me, which was not a bad idea as there were still so many flowers in bloom that were too stunning not to take a photograph of.
But like the post title says; I am going to be frank with you and this is really difficult for me, so be kind please! As some of you might already know, I don't feel very well in my own skin lately and I have mentioned that (and my depression) before on my blog here. That's one of the reasons why there are so few outfit photos recently. I have gained alittle bit of weight (just a little bit) in the time that I got in a downward spiral not too long ago. Modelling was (and actually still is) on the back burner. I turned down interviews and television appearances and barely saw my friends. Recently I got a medical examination ( to see what damage my medication caused to my body and mind) which concluded that I was fit but that my blood pressure was extremely high (I had to go to the GP immediately) and I gained 5 kilos of overweight. I am under surveillance for my blood pressure and he gave me some tips; mainly to get out of the house and work on my excersise just by strolling or bicycling. Going apeshit in the gym wasn't necessary, he said, and I phewed. I hate the gym. Always hated the gym. And I will always hate the gym.
Anyway; my eating habits are healthy enough but after I started with medication in 2010, I went from underweight to a healthy weight but kept gaining weight (which is what benzodiazepines do, sadly ... they are Lucifer in a pill really) and my alcohol consume was just too much; I have a hard time getting out of the circle but I keep fighting. Cause that's what I am; a fighter. Since a couple of weeks now I have quit the medication I was addicted to for too long. I do feel healthier without them; I started to experience emotions again, my brain was not so forgetful anymore, my sight improved, my taste came back, the nausea went over, the dizzy and tired zombie feeling went away, too, my hands weren't trembling anymore due to tremori and I got my humor back. But(!) the things I was taking them for are coming back, too. I need to find my right way to deal with them. But I am sure I can add that to my list of victories soon enough aswell. It was a hard time for me to detox but I made it.
I suffer from a couple of things I am not gonna bother you with but it got me down hard ... even that bad that I barely got out of the house. It was even thát bad that I just didn't dressed up, or did my hair, my makeup or whatsoever unless I had an appointment with my therapist and nééded to get out of the house.
I am working superduper hard to get back on track and hopefully fill this blog with new outfits very soon. There's one picture of me in the row of photos below! It's a spontaneous photo Ben took of me (I used to hate such photos, terribly) after I photographed a whole day long. I think it shows you something about how much relaxation photography gives me and that encourages me and hopefully it's a (healthy) replacement for the bad pills and booze mentioned above and that it's also something that serves as a threat and which takes me out of the house more often and hopefully lose the 5 kilos within no time. It shouldn't be that difficult really.
So there. There is my confession. And it takes some courage ofcourse, so please bear with me!