Mirror, oh, mirror

February 27, 2013


Yesterday I was being a stupid woman as I forgot to order my medication that is prescribed for me for depression, trauma's, anxiety and a couple of other things. I did my hair color justice as I had just dyed it that day a very, very bright blonde (I am going to take it a step further, as I want it to be almost white!). These medications are very heavy (but are just a mere silk layer that eases things a bit and not fully takes it away; I suffer still from the above named things daily and a great dozen of nasty side-effects, too. So ofcourse I dealed last night with nightmares of things happened in the past. And I woke up crying. I do get therapy and I am going forward albeit it with baby steps. 

Pure coincidental I stumbled upon a phrase that was so fitting for me today and was very confronting: 'So find the faith to face your fear.'  A phrase that I can learn from, as I still have difficulties facing the past which makes my therapies very hard to do. Luckily I have a wonderful therapist for four years now, and he is the only one that fully knows what's going on inside me. 

However; photography! Photography is, for me, a magic 'something' where I can show expressions that are real and dear to me, or just plain make believe as I sometimes apply in real life, meaning: my smile does not always mean I am réally smiling. Photography is also something that makes me forget the raw things I have to face daily. I can create my own world. Hitting two birds with one stone in this case: I can place myself in an era that is behind us and which I sadly will never know. I think the tragic stories of silver screen actresses from Golden Hollywood appeal to me so much because I find recognition in it. Who knows.

Today I made a picture to match the phrase I stumbled upon. I must say that it is very hard for me to talk openly about these things I suffer from. People will judge you in an instant. I hear alot of times that people think I have it all; a nice job, a nice boyfriend, good looks (their words, totally not mine!), fame, etcetera. (I have a wonderful boyfriend and a wonderful job, too! And I am thankful for those every day again!) But the inside is a mystery to most of them and on that base people judge aswell. They usually play down your problems with a 'ohww, we all have our days!'.

The reason why I look away from the mirror on the photo is because it's my current state. I look away from the looking glass, while I actually need to face it do I want to get free from misery. But I do háve a mirror in my hand which states that I am willing to face it, to fight it and that I shall have victory eventually! My expression, and I hope I captured it (or perhaps it's just only me who sees it) well enough, is a very, very slight frightened look, yet sad.

Please know that this post makes me very vulnerable, but I do wanted to share it. Hopefully someone out there, suffering from the same problems, will not feel him/herself so lonely.


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7 Comments

  1. Hi Lindsay.
    I can understand how vunerable this post has made you feel. I've had a traumatic past (mine was domestic violence by an ex amongst other things) I have dealt with it to the extent that I'm not effected everyday by it. But I have times when the only thing that'll make it go away is to be held close by my wonderful husband. A little seemingly insignificant thing can trigger those awful feelings of despair.
    I hope you manage to find the strength to confront your past so it'll help you to be less affected by them in the future.
    It was very brave of you to post about it here.
    ((((hugs)))) Lisa x

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    1. Thank you so much Lisa, also for your story! It strengthens me to read that you have got it that far that it doesn't effect you daily anymore. It's something that will never go away, it will always remain a nasty memory and I am sure you'll realize that, too, but it's such a victory that it doesn't control you anymore.

      I am striving for that, too!

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    2. I'm glad I was a little help. X

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  2. Hurray to you for opening up like this. I think this must be a big step for you. And you know, nobody has it all, although not all people realize this (in both ways).
    A lot of people also don't realize how big a part of ourselves is hidden every day. And how much we differ from each other. It usually makes me mad, people saying this like you've mentioned. I'd wish they'd just accept the fact that they just don't understand.

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    1. Thank you ever so much for your very kind comment. It means alot to me! And you are very, very right! People can be very narrow minded. And that makes victims.

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  3. I understand your frustrations. I have my own issues, too and take medicine for it. Know you aren't alone! Thanks for posting!

    Ivy

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  4. This post I can relate to.The photo is real,and raw and beautiful at the same time.Sometimes it's hard to look in the mirror and face whats behind the eyes.I have that alot.Big hugs,xx

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